If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
