alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
