I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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