So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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