dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
