At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
