he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
