i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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