Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I want is dick and wine.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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