My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
