One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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