just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
