bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
