There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
