your parents love me but you hate me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
