this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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