end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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