Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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