Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
