Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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