Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
