He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
