I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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