Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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