call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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