she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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