If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
