woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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