I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
