it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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