You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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