im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
