somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
