and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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