i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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