just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
