The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
