Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
