someone threw a dead crab at me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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