Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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