my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
