i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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