He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
