Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
