bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
