Your mouth is God's brothel.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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