there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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