On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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