i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
