Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
