i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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